lost.

DEPENDENT.

That's everything Ive been since we got this little bundle of surprise inside me.
I have been dependent, this is not me. The ugly part of it is that--Im getting used to it. In fact, Im liking it a bit.
Im getting used to him doing the laundries, ironing some clothes and all the household chores which Im not used to doing before. I could use so many excuses make up or not. Honestly, I always feel tired. Exhausted. That another 30 years of life's been added to my age. I just wanna rest --and let my fingers do the talking.  Everything's so new, and I know I'll have this line repeated again and again because --I have not entirely digested the things that are happening to me. Personally, its life changing. I have to be this because I should be this. I can't be anything else because there's no way out. He for sure is taking the issues same thing but how can he handle it with such ease, like he really wanted this. I wanted this, but everybody knows the time is not ripe for all these. Im pretty sure I'm loved, but being too dependent is not likely something to be proud of. Not me.

I feel so useless.

I make him feel I am, that I could not do anything, that he just had to understand and he cant do anything about it. Even if I can. I just dont..feel like.

Im not sure of the future but Im certain I'll make it out there alive, with them beside me.

Im feeling all stressed out today, well, recently. Perhaps about the fact that he's extremely excited about our baby popping out, its not gonna be that fast, as much as I'm excited---Im also gripping the last thread of my ego because Im totally pressured. That the need to defend myself why Im past my due date needs more references-- they're giving so much feedback already. I suddenly feel so alone. I just want to vanish.

I hate the feeling.

But where? I need to cry and I need him.
Right now, he feels like the enemy and there's no way Im laying all my cards for him to see.